Death is something that we don't like to think about or talk about. It is one of those things that inevitable. I'm not afraid of death, but the thought of someone close to me passing away has always worried me. And then, it happened...
It is Sunday morning, you’re giggling with your brother over something silly while you parents are deciding what to do for breakfast. The phone is buzzing in the background, so Dad answers the ringing phone, and suddenly everything falls silent. His face drops, and you know this can't be good. You get the news that your grandma has passed away. The whole world stops. You instantly know that nothing will ever be the same again.
3 weeks ago, my grandma left us. No goodbye. No final hug.
I'd never experienced someone’s passing away before this, and I really didn't know how to feel. There was sadness, pain, anger and confusion. It can be so frustrating to watch the world carry on when everything has stopped for you. Nothing feels right. There is now an empty place where a human used to be and there is nothing you can do to bring them back. I can still picture her in my head; holding a glass of whiskey with ice and she'd sip it for sooo long. Going over to her house for family dinners and fruit custard would always be on the menu.
As my dad says, 'death is the only real truth', and honestly, this truth will sting me forever.
Normally, I’m able to overlook things that bother me by keeping myself busy and distracted. However, the reality is that over time things build up and then I am forced to deal with them. But, when I got this news, I knew that this wasn’t something that could be ignored. Time wouldn’t just fix this, and my heart couldn’t just move on. I needed time to be able to make sense of my feelings and process what had just happened. I’ve always believed that time is the best healer, but as I’m getting older the pessimist inside me is realising that time doesn’t always fix things, we just learn to accept what we have. Death is probably one of the biggest acceptances that we are faced with.
Everyone deals with death differently, and after talking to my friends I've realised that there is no real right way. It’s whatever you need to get through a difficult time. I've learnt that you are allowed to be selfish, whether its death or just a lot of things that are going wrong, allow yourself to heal and come to terms with life.
Who knows when our time will come, which is why every life is worth living.
Love Arzu x